Dear Mr. President...
Nov. 2nd, 2003 11:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scribblinlenoreIt is true that threats to our wholesome American way of life are everywhere, assailing our deeply held beliefs whenever we turn around. I'm glad to see that you are taking such a proactive role in trying to reverse this disturbing trend. But while Defense of Marriage and Protection against Pornography weeks are really swell, I feel that much, much more needs to be done.
1. Save the Chia Pet Week!
People are always going on and on about saving whales. Please! What's more American than a Chia Pet? A purely useless bit of consumer nonsense, artificially engineered plant life, mass-produced, hawked on national television, for the tidy sum of $9.95. It is the ultimate achievement of our proud tradition of capitalism. And yet, every day the Chia Pet is maligned, mocked, jeered at, as Chia Pets of Christmases past are casually tossed into the trash without so much as a backward glance.
It's a national tragedy that cries out for your attention, Mr. President!
2. National Defense of Apple Pie Day
Have you checked the dessert menu in your favorite restaurant lately, Mr. President? It's a conspiracy, I tell you! Mom's apple pie, the confection our country was founded on, has been shunted aside in favor of creme brulee, mille-feuilles, mousse au chocolat and other insults to our national zeitgeist. I know a man of your intellectual prowess cannot help but notice what they all have in common. That's right--they're French! Can good Americans in good conscience eat the pastry and puddings of that diabolical bunch of faux allies?
I say: let them eat pie, Mr. President. Let them eat pie!
3. Dumb Down Fridays
Was this nation built on sissified rumination? Did the pioneers manage to chop down all that wilderness through careful study and consideration? Hell, no! They got their gun and their axe and went medieval on that frontier. When we use our brains--to say, question the motives of our leaders--we turn our backs on our heritage.
You certainly have the moral authority of intellectual mediocrity to lead such a charge. So let's do it! Let's set aside one day of the week when we remember that we're a nation of doers, not thinkers, and proud of it!
4. Patriotic Songs Requirement Act
Okay, so we sing the national anthem before all major sporting events. And now, "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch at baseball games. That's good. But what about all those other patriotic songs that are never heard outside elementary school recitals and Boy Scout campfires? What about all the wasted minutes between quarters and innings and at half time when we could be breaking into choruses of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" and "America the Beautiful"? And it doesn't have to stop with sports. If we can take time during movie previews to hawk Diet Coke, why can't we sell America?
Seriously. Think about it.
5. Stop Thinking the Wrong Things Ad Campaign
We spend money on anti-drug ads and anti-smoking commercials and trying to keep kids (and hopefully everyone else!) from having sex, and that's all well and good. But what are we doing about all these ideas people have? You know, ideas that aren't exactly like *our* ideas? Look, we know we're right and they're wrong. So let's not stand on this ceremony about pluralistic society and freedom of speech and all that blah-blah-blah anymore, okay?
People can say just no to the wrong ideas. With the right encouragement, that is.
Thank you for your time and attention, Mr. President. I do hope these thoughts have been of some help to you. And I certainly look forward to your next inspirational initiative.
1. Save the Chia Pet Week!
People are always going on and on about saving whales. Please! What's more American than a Chia Pet? A purely useless bit of consumer nonsense, artificially engineered plant life, mass-produced, hawked on national television, for the tidy sum of $9.95. It is the ultimate achievement of our proud tradition of capitalism. And yet, every day the Chia Pet is maligned, mocked, jeered at, as Chia Pets of Christmases past are casually tossed into the trash without so much as a backward glance.
It's a national tragedy that cries out for your attention, Mr. President!
2. National Defense of Apple Pie Day
Have you checked the dessert menu in your favorite restaurant lately, Mr. President? It's a conspiracy, I tell you! Mom's apple pie, the confection our country was founded on, has been shunted aside in favor of creme brulee, mille-feuilles, mousse au chocolat and other insults to our national zeitgeist. I know a man of your intellectual prowess cannot help but notice what they all have in common. That's right--they're French! Can good Americans in good conscience eat the pastry and puddings of that diabolical bunch of faux allies?
I say: let them eat pie, Mr. President. Let them eat pie!
3. Dumb Down Fridays
Was this nation built on sissified rumination? Did the pioneers manage to chop down all that wilderness through careful study and consideration? Hell, no! They got their gun and their axe and went medieval on that frontier. When we use our brains--to say, question the motives of our leaders--we turn our backs on our heritage.
You certainly have the moral authority of intellectual mediocrity to lead such a charge. So let's do it! Let's set aside one day of the week when we remember that we're a nation of doers, not thinkers, and proud of it!
4. Patriotic Songs Requirement Act
Okay, so we sing the national anthem before all major sporting events. And now, "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch at baseball games. That's good. But what about all those other patriotic songs that are never heard outside elementary school recitals and Boy Scout campfires? What about all the wasted minutes between quarters and innings and at half time when we could be breaking into choruses of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" and "America the Beautiful"? And it doesn't have to stop with sports. If we can take time during movie previews to hawk Diet Coke, why can't we sell America?
Seriously. Think about it.
5. Stop Thinking the Wrong Things Ad Campaign
We spend money on anti-drug ads and anti-smoking commercials and trying to keep kids (and hopefully everyone else!) from having sex, and that's all well and good. But what are we doing about all these ideas people have? You know, ideas that aren't exactly like *our* ideas? Look, we know we're right and they're wrong. So let's not stand on this ceremony about pluralistic society and freedom of speech and all that blah-blah-blah anymore, okay?
People can say just no to the wrong ideas. With the right encouragement, that is.
Thank you for your time and attention, Mr. President. I do hope these thoughts have been of some help to you. And I certainly look forward to your next inspirational initiative.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-02 09:51 am (UTC)*can't keep straight face and starts laughing*
Okay. Maybe they are, after all. *g*
Glad you enjoyed my litte bit of nonsense!