SPN Meta: In Defense of Sam
Mar. 4th, 2006 11:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scribblinlenoreHello, my name is Lenore, and I will be your Sam Winchester apologist for the day. 'Cause the things people say about Sammy? Oh, they disturb me. Here are some thoughts on why I think people misread Sam, and also some optimism about that scene in "Shadow," you know the one I mean.
Why people spend good money on therapy to learn to be more like Sam Winchester
I realize that the great balance of love in Supernatural fandom is for Dean, and, hey, that's cool. I love him, too. But I identify more with Sam. I have that role in my family, the one who moved away, who chose not to replicate my parents' life, and so I have empathy for how difficult it is for him to strike out on his own, to be who he can be, not who his family would like him to be.
It makes me sad that people routinely call him stupid and selfish and immature when he's none of those things. I can't begin to guess how many times I've seen people tell him to grow up in their posts, and I'm always thinking: But can't you see that's exactly what he's doing? The primary drama of young adulthood is to figure out how you can be your own person and still have your family. That's what Sam is struggling with, and it may not always be pretty, but it's a perfectly natural stage of development for someone his age. There's nothing immature about it. Of course, his family doesn't enjoy it. It's not a comfortable process, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad or selfish. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to break away from family tradition, and not everyone has the strength of will to do it.
Dean is a different case because he does want his father's life. So he has nothing to openly rebel against. But that doesn't mean the same process isn't at work in him. We see a little of that in the phone conversation with Sam in "Scarecrow" when he says he wishes he could have stood up to their father a little more. Dean becoming his own person is bound to be a more subtle process, but I think it would be very interesting to see it play out, and I hope we get to.
The bottom line is that neither of them is wrong for wanting what they want and being who they are.
Why THAT conversation in Shadow is not the end of the world (spoilers)
Okay, I was just as gut-punched as everyone else by that scene. Dean's pain HURT me. It hurt us all. But I also felt for Sam. Listen to the way he says "I'd do anything for you", and hear how much he doesn't want to hurt his brother, doesn't want to deny him. At the same time, he can't lie about who he is and what he wants out of life. Disappointing the people you love hurts like hell, but sometimes you just can't do what they want, can't be who they need you to be.
The important thing, I think, is to keep in mind how unrealistic both boys are being in that conversation. Sam just blithely assumes that he can go back to school, go back to being "normal," when the plain fact is that he's not normal and never will be. Even if he does what he intends to do--becomes a lawyer, settles down, has a family--he still knows what he knows, can do what he can do, and that's an unalterable fact of who he is. I think, in time, he'll come to accept that, find some way to bridge the two worlds. Have some permanence, which he seems to crave, but also be the Winchester that he is.
Dean is equally unrealistic in thinking that things can go back to the way they were. It's not ever going to be the three of them hunting things together like the old days, because that was their life when they were children. Family dynamics change when children become adults, that's a simple fact, and you can't hold on to outmoded ways of relating to one another. It makes all the sense in the world to me that Dean would want to try--because this is where he's found his sense of security. So of course that conversation with Sam feels like a loss to him. Dean has some parentified feelings toward his brother, and in many ways he's the one having separation anxiety because Sam is growing up. One of the things parents have to learn to accept is that a child can love them dearly and still want to be different from them, and I think that's something Dean will ultimately realize. That when Sam says he doesn't want this life he's not saying there's something wrong with Dean's choices and he's certainly not saying that he doesn't want to be Dean's brother.
The story of Supernatural opens with a schism between Sam and his brother and father. It gives a very black-and-white sense that Sam has to choose between his family and his dream of a normal life, that he can't have both. It's a false sense of mutual exclusivity, and as the story unfolds the characters seem to begin to realize this. Everything Sam and Dean have been through together, the reunion between Sam and his father…it's served to remind them how important they all are to each other, has made them realize that allowing the family to fracture again would be the worst mistake they could make. Sam is busy learning that he doesn't have to throw his family overboard to be himself. Dean needs to figure out that they don't have to share the same life or the same dreams to be family. No matter how things work out, Sam will always be a Winchester, and they will all always love each other. It may be hard at times, and it may take some work to figure out how they can be close and still have their independence. But, hey, people do that all day every day. Surely, a family as extraordinary as the Winchesters can handle it.
Why people spend good money on therapy to learn to be more like Sam Winchester
I realize that the great balance of love in Supernatural fandom is for Dean, and, hey, that's cool. I love him, too. But I identify more with Sam. I have that role in my family, the one who moved away, who chose not to replicate my parents' life, and so I have empathy for how difficult it is for him to strike out on his own, to be who he can be, not who his family would like him to be.
It makes me sad that people routinely call him stupid and selfish and immature when he's none of those things. I can't begin to guess how many times I've seen people tell him to grow up in their posts, and I'm always thinking: But can't you see that's exactly what he's doing? The primary drama of young adulthood is to figure out how you can be your own person and still have your family. That's what Sam is struggling with, and it may not always be pretty, but it's a perfectly natural stage of development for someone his age. There's nothing immature about it. Of course, his family doesn't enjoy it. It's not a comfortable process, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad or selfish. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to break away from family tradition, and not everyone has the strength of will to do it.
Dean is a different case because he does want his father's life. So he has nothing to openly rebel against. But that doesn't mean the same process isn't at work in him. We see a little of that in the phone conversation with Sam in "Scarecrow" when he says he wishes he could have stood up to their father a little more. Dean becoming his own person is bound to be a more subtle process, but I think it would be very interesting to see it play out, and I hope we get to.
The bottom line is that neither of them is wrong for wanting what they want and being who they are.
Why THAT conversation in Shadow is not the end of the world (spoilers)
Okay, I was just as gut-punched as everyone else by that scene. Dean's pain HURT me. It hurt us all. But I also felt for Sam. Listen to the way he says "I'd do anything for you", and hear how much he doesn't want to hurt his brother, doesn't want to deny him. At the same time, he can't lie about who he is and what he wants out of life. Disappointing the people you love hurts like hell, but sometimes you just can't do what they want, can't be who they need you to be.
The important thing, I think, is to keep in mind how unrealistic both boys are being in that conversation. Sam just blithely assumes that he can go back to school, go back to being "normal," when the plain fact is that he's not normal and never will be. Even if he does what he intends to do--becomes a lawyer, settles down, has a family--he still knows what he knows, can do what he can do, and that's an unalterable fact of who he is. I think, in time, he'll come to accept that, find some way to bridge the two worlds. Have some permanence, which he seems to crave, but also be the Winchester that he is.
Dean is equally unrealistic in thinking that things can go back to the way they were. It's not ever going to be the three of them hunting things together like the old days, because that was their life when they were children. Family dynamics change when children become adults, that's a simple fact, and you can't hold on to outmoded ways of relating to one another. It makes all the sense in the world to me that Dean would want to try--because this is where he's found his sense of security. So of course that conversation with Sam feels like a loss to him. Dean has some parentified feelings toward his brother, and in many ways he's the one having separation anxiety because Sam is growing up. One of the things parents have to learn to accept is that a child can love them dearly and still want to be different from them, and I think that's something Dean will ultimately realize. That when Sam says he doesn't want this life he's not saying there's something wrong with Dean's choices and he's certainly not saying that he doesn't want to be Dean's brother.
The story of Supernatural opens with a schism between Sam and his brother and father. It gives a very black-and-white sense that Sam has to choose between his family and his dream of a normal life, that he can't have both. It's a false sense of mutual exclusivity, and as the story unfolds the characters seem to begin to realize this. Everything Sam and Dean have been through together, the reunion between Sam and his father…it's served to remind them how important they all are to each other, has made them realize that allowing the family to fracture again would be the worst mistake they could make. Sam is busy learning that he doesn't have to throw his family overboard to be himself. Dean needs to figure out that they don't have to share the same life or the same dreams to be family. No matter how things work out, Sam will always be a Winchester, and they will all always love each other. It may be hard at times, and it may take some work to figure out how they can be close and still have their independence. But, hey, people do that all day every day. Surely, a family as extraordinary as the Winchesters can handle it.
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Date: 2006-03-04 05:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-04 06:20 pm (UTC)That's very true. Although, being a sap at heart, I like to think that someday they'll be able to come to some kind of compromise about it. Sam's at an age when he's pushing so hard to establish Who He Is, but it will mellow. And as parents everywhere must do, I like to believe that Dean will one day be able to see that he can let Sam go and still have him. *is all optimistic*