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ladydey
Five Ways that Clark Would Change Things At LexCorp and Still Run A Successful Company
Memorandum
To: Lex Luthor, CEO, LexCorp
From: Clark Kent, FUF (Fed Up Friend)
Date: September 9, 2006
Re: Five easy ways your company could suck less
You know, it really pisses me off that you'll spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on management consultants to give you advice about how to run LexCorp, and you pay no attention at all to what's completely obvious. No to mention totally free! So consider this a memo from common sense. Which you could really use a little bit more of, Lex. I don't care how smart you are.
Here are a few simple things you could do to make LexCorp safer, more responsible, etc. and still run a successful company:
1. Hire more employees, fewer minions. In case you're not clear on the difference, and I'm pretty sure you're not, an employee is a regular person with a mortgage and three kids who need to go to college someday. They ask for 401K plans and health insurance, and they have job descriptions that don't include things like "skulking around" or "looking threatening." Maybe they work overtime sometimes, and, hey, maybe they're even really committed to the corporate mission, but mostly it's about the mortgage and the tuition. Minions, on the other hand, get paid in mysterious ways, that I don't even like to think about, and they're always there, saying things like, "Yes, Mr. Luthor. Anything you want, Mr. Luthor." And when you're not looking, they stare at your ass with all this-- tormented longing or something, and they wear clothes that are way too revealing, and don't seem to have a clear idea about the boundaries between boss and employee, and-- minions just really suck, Lex!
2. PR doesn't start with death threats. When you want somebody to print something good about your company, you really don't have to plant cocaine in their car and get them arrested and then offer to have the charges dropped if they cooperate. Or erase their identity like they never existed until they give in and lend you their byline. This really just causes more problems than it solves, not to mention that it's just, you know, wrong. Plus, there are easier ways to get publicity. Ever heard of a press release? It works for every other company on the planet. I know you like to do things with your own personal flair, but in this one particular instance, just-- stop it.
3. Computer sim-u-la-tions. Do I need to get you a dictionary, so you can look it up? Seriously, Lex, have you ever run one of these for any of your research projects? Or do you just like to cut right to the chase, throw all the dangerous stuff together, and see what happens? Technology exists for a reason. If you'd make better use of it, you'd have fewer things blowing up, and it would cut way down on the environmental disasters.
4. Psychos 'R Us is not the place to find business associates. I really think this should be self-explanatory. Just say ix-nay to illers-kay. But somehow you just can't seem to steer clear of thugs, no matter how many times they try to shoot, strangle, bludgeon, hang, burn, stab, eviscerate or otherwise maim you. Honestly? You're going to get yourself killed one of these days. And I'm never, ever going to forgive you for that. So just stop it, stop it, stop it!
5. Just because the company is named for you doesn't mean you have to do everything yourself. When was the last time you took a vacation? Or even just a day off? Or, hey, ate dinner at home instead of at the office? While you have that dictionary out, try looking up the word "delegate." Or do you even know how to spell it? How are the people you work for supposed to feel like you trust them if you're always hovering over them? Let them do their jobs, and if you find yourself with some free time and start to get bored or something, I can come over, and we can hang out, grab some pizza, maybe play some pool, or whatever. It'd be good for your employees' morale and stuff. So let me know what day you want to get together.
In conclusion, it's called LEXCorp not LUTHORCorp for a reason, remember? Because you didn't want to be just like your father. Because you're not your father. He wanted to make human clones, so he could live forever. You wanted to end world hunger. See the difference? Good. Now try to remember it when you're at the office.
If you want to talk about this, I'm free after Chinese History. And let me know about getting that pizza.
Love,
Clark
ladydeyFive Ways that Clark Would Change Things At LexCorp and Still Run A Successful Company
To: Lex Luthor, CEO, LexCorp
From: Clark Kent, FUF (Fed Up Friend)
Date: September 9, 2006
Re: Five easy ways your company could suck less
You know, it really pisses me off that you'll spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on management consultants to give you advice about how to run LexCorp, and you pay no attention at all to what's completely obvious. No to mention totally free! So consider this a memo from common sense. Which you could really use a little bit more of, Lex. I don't care how smart you are.
Here are a few simple things you could do to make LexCorp safer, more responsible, etc. and still run a successful company:
1. Hire more employees, fewer minions. In case you're not clear on the difference, and I'm pretty sure you're not, an employee is a regular person with a mortgage and three kids who need to go to college someday. They ask for 401K plans and health insurance, and they have job descriptions that don't include things like "skulking around" or "looking threatening." Maybe they work overtime sometimes, and, hey, maybe they're even really committed to the corporate mission, but mostly it's about the mortgage and the tuition. Minions, on the other hand, get paid in mysterious ways, that I don't even like to think about, and they're always there, saying things like, "Yes, Mr. Luthor. Anything you want, Mr. Luthor." And when you're not looking, they stare at your ass with all this-- tormented longing or something, and they wear clothes that are way too revealing, and don't seem to have a clear idea about the boundaries between boss and employee, and-- minions just really suck, Lex!
2. PR doesn't start with death threats. When you want somebody to print something good about your company, you really don't have to plant cocaine in their car and get them arrested and then offer to have the charges dropped if they cooperate. Or erase their identity like they never existed until they give in and lend you their byline. This really just causes more problems than it solves, not to mention that it's just, you know, wrong. Plus, there are easier ways to get publicity. Ever heard of a press release? It works for every other company on the planet. I know you like to do things with your own personal flair, but in this one particular instance, just-- stop it.
3. Computer sim-u-la-tions. Do I need to get you a dictionary, so you can look it up? Seriously, Lex, have you ever run one of these for any of your research projects? Or do you just like to cut right to the chase, throw all the dangerous stuff together, and see what happens? Technology exists for a reason. If you'd make better use of it, you'd have fewer things blowing up, and it would cut way down on the environmental disasters.
4. Psychos 'R Us is not the place to find business associates. I really think this should be self-explanatory. Just say ix-nay to illers-kay. But somehow you just can't seem to steer clear of thugs, no matter how many times they try to shoot, strangle, bludgeon, hang, burn, stab, eviscerate or otherwise maim you. Honestly? You're going to get yourself killed one of these days. And I'm never, ever going to forgive you for that. So just stop it, stop it, stop it!
5. Just because the company is named for you doesn't mean you have to do everything yourself. When was the last time you took a vacation? Or even just a day off? Or, hey, ate dinner at home instead of at the office? While you have that dictionary out, try looking up the word "delegate." Or do you even know how to spell it? How are the people you work for supposed to feel like you trust them if you're always hovering over them? Let them do their jobs, and if you find yourself with some free time and start to get bored or something, I can come over, and we can hang out, grab some pizza, maybe play some pool, or whatever. It'd be good for your employees' morale and stuff. So let me know what day you want to get together.
In conclusion, it's called LEXCorp not LUTHORCorp for a reason, remember? Because you didn't want to be just like your father. Because you're not your father. He wanted to make human clones, so he could live forever. You wanted to end world hunger. See the difference? Good. Now try to remember it when you're at the office.
If you want to talk about this, I'm free after Chinese History. And let me know about getting that pizza.
Love,
Clark
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HAHAHAHA - AWESOME!!
Date: 2006-09-09 07:28 pm (UTC)I love Clark's use of proper business etiquette - the memo, on some kind of stationary I imagine, is sure to get noticed by Lex. College has been good for Clark.
1. Hire more employees, fewer minions. - Clark makes a very good point here, ordinary people who don't ogle the Lex (although since it's Lex, regular Joe's would probably ogle too. But at least, Clark is right here, there would be boundaries.
2. PR doesn't start with death threats. - Hee! Well, at least Clark is paying attention... so cute.
3. Computer sim-u-la-tions. - SO! TRUE! Lex just doesn't do anything by halves and has not patience. Although, there probably is some pre-explosions testing, maybe putting a policy of more in place would be beneficial.
4. Psychos 'R Us is not the place to find business associates. - Awwwww, Clark!!
5. Just because the company is named for you doesn't mean you have to do everything yourself. - Awwww, hee, Vacation (together), AWWW!
I really really really hope that Lex was paying attention and you know reading through the lines and goes and takes a break to
smooch the heck out ofdiscuss with Clark his memo. I am sure Clark wouldn't mind.This list was so great. I was expecting a conventional list, not a mini-story (you know that should be continued with an after reading smooch fest, or anything like that ;-) ) Weeeeee, thanks!
Re: HAHAHAHA - AWESOME!!
Date: 2006-09-12 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 07:49 pm (UTC)*loves*
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:19 pm (UTC)And, yes, Lex is never NOT going to know Clark's schedule. *is convinced*
I'm so glad you enjoyed this!
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Date: 2006-09-09 07:52 pm (UTC)What, you want coherence? I love the affectionate exasperation in Clark's note.
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:20 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed this!
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Date: 2006-09-09 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-09-09 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:24 pm (UTC)I swear. All these Smallville prompts I got for this meme thing made ME miss the show. I honestly didn't think that was possible.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 09:11 pm (UTC)Also, I love how Clark is jealous of the minions. Which doesn't really make his point any less valid.
Ever heard of a press release? It works for every other company on the planet. I know you like to do things with your own personal flair, but in this one particular instance, just-- stop it.
Aw, Lex. He just doesn't understand.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 09:12 pm (UTC)So very true!
I laughed myself silly reading this--especially item number 1. (Although I have always wanted a minion myself, so I can see the temptation.)
As someone else said earlier, you're making me miss Smallville!
K.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:27 pm (UTC)So glad you liked this! And the SV prompts I got for this meme challenge made me miss the show, too. Who would have thought?
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Date: 2006-09-09 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 10:09 pm (UTC)clark must have a learned a lot from lex to be able to write such a memorandum!
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
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From:no subject
Date: 2006-09-10 12:06 am (UTC)It's so sweet and funny at the same time. And so clever! Wonderful job!
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Date: 2006-09-10 02:56 am (UTC)now you should totally write up lex's reaction. HEE.
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-10 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-12 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-10 01:54 pm (UTC)Also, this part made me laugh because it's true:
He wanted to make human clones, so he could live forever. You wanted to end world hunger.
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Date: 2006-09-12 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-09-15 11:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-15 05:50 am (UTC)Simply delightful and finally the bit with pizza since he is free after Chinese History, something about that juxtaposition just had me in stitches.
LOL!!! Very inventive.
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Date: 2006-09-15 11:54 am (UTC)